Keepin' it real....

Once again my mind has wandered down that winding round of misc. thoughts & this is where I arrived....

The other night a friend was over with her 3 kiddos & we were making a batch of cookies. As we baked we had a cd of 80's tunes blaring in the kitchen. We were all singing along & gettin' into the music...or so I thought. Apparently I must havin' been groovin' a bit more than the others...as I spun around, mid-note I notice my friend staring at me in utter disbelief..actually I couldn't tell if it was disbelief or sheer horror. It went something like this:

Kristy: You are soooooooo.....

Me: What??? (I try to sound a tad cocky, as I prepare for the worst...stupid, weird, lame, bizarre...I am waiting...I am preparing to be humiliated beyond repair....)

Kristy: Confident (she says without a moments hesitation) You just never worry what other people think. I wish I had just an ounce of that.

Me: (as I look over my shoulder) Who are you talking about???

**** I have known her for 2 1/2 years now. She must surely know that I am incredibly self-conscience. When she said that you could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned. Is that really how she perceives me??? Me? Me that spends hours try to find an outfit in my closet that I think will pass for "normal" at best. Me that fails to breathe every time I'm in a social setting so others don't see how far my stomach pooches over my waistband. Me who has cried way too many times because I always feel like I am lagging behind in every aspect of my life.Me that frets because when I look in the mirror I see a woman who has aged 10 years in the last 4. I really don't think at any point during my life anyone has ever called me confident. Ever....
But you know what, I realized for a few minutes while Lita Ford was blaring in my kitchen I forgot about everything else & was just me. I didn't feel confident (that I can recall, cuz it was all of 3 minutes, I tell ya) but I was just me. And I was having a damn good time.
Later that same night I was up at 3a.m. wrapping gifts and watching season one of Desperate Housewives that I borrowed from a friend. It was the episode where Bree & Rex go into counseling because their marriage is in trouble because she is too perfect. Now you may know where this is going...but I didn't...not until a few nights later.

We were invited to a friends house for dinner. She said come around 5ish & we'll eat at 6. The kids & I arrive right on time and they scurry off to play. My friend apologizes about dinner running a 'tad' behind. To make a long story short, before we ate at 8:30 her smoke alarm went off twice, the dog puked multiple times in the middle of the kitchen floor, the phone rang about 8 times, we had to figure out how to use her Showtime Rotisserie thing (to cook the dinner in), we doled out 2 band-aids and broke up no-less than 7 fights. It was a mad house. And my poor friend was a wreck...she was in good spirits but she kept apologizing over & over for the chaos. She said "you must thing I am sooooo incompetent". And then it all came together.........
We try so hard to be 'perfect'....atleast I do. And I am constantly falling short. I want to have a perfectly clean house, perfect meals, throw the perfect party. I stress myself out.....and always feel like I am ten steps behind. I spend more time than I care to admit wondering how others see me. I don't necessarily want to impress, but I don't want them to think I am some giant loser either. Secretly I loathe the women I know who can pull this all off. I envy them, but I despise them at the same time. And then there is my friend..when we get together, I don't care that her house is cluttered, that she don't look like a cover girl, that our kids fight & that dinner is always "fashionably" late (to be honest, it's just plain ole late :). In fact, I love these things, cuz she is my friend & she is real! And I told her just that. We all wish we were Bree, but we aren't. And we hate the women who are. So I have decided to stop trying while I am ahead......for now I am just gonna keep it real.