Monday, December 26

Keepin' it real....

Once again my mind has wandered down that winding round of misc. thoughts & this is where I arrived....

The other night a friend was over with her 3 kiddos & we were making a batch of cookies. As we baked we had a cd of 80's tunes blaring in the kitchen. We were all singing along & gettin' into the music...or so I thought. Apparently I must havin' been groovin' a bit more than the others...as I spun around, mid-note I notice my friend staring at me in utter disbelief..actually I couldn't tell if it was disbelief or sheer horror. It went something like this:

Kristy: You are soooooooo.....

Me: What??? (I try to sound a tad cocky, as I prepare for the worst...stupid, weird, lame, bizarre...I am waiting...I am preparing to be humiliated beyond repair....)

Kristy: Confident (she says without a moments hesitation) You just never worry what other people think. I wish I had just an ounce of that.

Me: (as I look over my shoulder) Who are you talking about???


**** I have known her for 2 1/2 years now. She must surely know that I am incredibly self-conscience. When she said that you could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned. Is that really how she perceives me??? Me? Me that spends hours try to find an outfit in my closet that I think will pass for "normal" at best. Me that fails to breathe every time I'm in a social setting so others don't see how far my stomach pooches over my waistband. Me who has cried way too many times because I always feel like I am lagging behind in every aspect of my life.Me that frets because when I look in the mirror I see a woman who has aged 10 years in the last 4. I really don't think at any point during my life anyone has ever called me confident. Ever....
But you know what, I realized for a few minutes while Lita Ford was blaring in my kitchen I forgot about everything else & was just me. I didn't feel confident (that I can recall, cuz it was all of 3 minutes, I tell ya) but I was just me. And I was having a damn good time.
Later that same night I was up at 3a.m. wrapping gifts and watching season one of Desperate Housewives that I borrowed from a friend. It was the episode where Bree & Rex go into counseling because their marriage is in trouble because she is too perfect. Now you may know where this is going...but I didn't...not until a few nights later.

We were invited to a friends house for dinner. She said come around 5ish & we'll eat at 6. The kids & I arrive right on time and they scurry off to play. My friend apologizes about dinner running a 'tad' behind. To make a long story short, before we ate at 8:30 her smoke alarm went off twice, the dog puked multiple times in the middle of the kitchen floor, the phone rang about 8 times, we had to figure out how to use her Showtime Rotisserie thing (to cook the dinner in), we doled out 2 band-aids and broke up no-less than 7 fights. It was a mad house. And my poor friend was a wreck...she was in good spirits but she kept apologizing over & over for the chaos. She said "you must thing I am sooooo incompetent". And then it all came together.........
We try so hard to be 'perfect'....atleast I do. And I am constantly falling short. I want to have a perfectly clean house, perfect meals, throw the perfect party. I stress myself out.....and always feel like I am ten steps behind. I spend more time than I care to admit wondering how others see me. I don't necessarily want to impress, but I don't want them to think I am some giant loser either. Secretly I loathe the women I know who can pull this all off. I envy them, but I despise them at the same time. And then there is my friend..when we get together, I don't care that her house is cluttered, that she don't look like a cover girl, that our kids fight & that dinner is always "fashionably" late (to be honest, it's just plain ole late :). In fact, I love these things, cuz she is my friend & she is real! And I told her just that. We all wish we were Bree, but we aren't. And we hate the women who are. So I have decided to stop trying while I am ahead......for now I am just gonna keep it real.

3 comments:

Femmie82 said...

Ya know...I've always thought you were awesome. Again, I forget to tell you...but I have my moments, especially when we actually get to be together, that all I want is to be you. Don't laugh...You're my older sister, you have an awesome husband, super great kids, and you are one truly wonderful person. Now, I know no one is perfect....but you, my sister, are somethin special. I admire you, love you, respect you, and miss you. Thanks for just being you....

Kate Michele said...

Thanks for reminding me that we all have our doubts about ourselves and that doesn't make us bad people......preach it girl!!

Dione said...

I wish I would have read this before I hosted Christmas Eve dinner!!! I can relate to almost every word you said... You don't know me, but I just wanted to say thanks for writing! I needed that.