Due to a middle of the night phone call

I don't know about anyone else but when the phone rings in the middle of the night it always leaves me a little weirded out. Like last night, I'm snoozin' away & the phone rings at 2:38am. What the????? I look at the caller ID & it's my dad. I freak out thinkin' someone has died & he has called to tell me that sister K. is on her way to the hospital in active labor. Okay...she was due this coming Saturday...we all knew than baby had to come out sometime...so why call me in the middle of the night to tell me they are drivin' to the hospital. I live over 3500miles away...I couldn't make it in time if I tried.LOL Honestly...it was kind of cute. It is grandchild #5 & yet he was soooooo excited. I think he called me cause he knew he had a captive audience.
So after I hang up the phone, I am wide awake. I flip on the TV & the greatest show of all time (read:mucho sarcasm) is on......Maury Povich . Now really people....if your girlfriend tells you she wants you to go to the Maury show with her because she has a secret, it is NEVER a good thing. Hello???? As I lay awake watching this poor excuse for entertainment, I was totally baffled....one lady had an affair over 11 years ago & one of her 4 kids *might* not be her husband's. So now she decides to tell him. I'm thinking "why now"? You didn't see the need for the last 11years! And why on national TV. Yeah, Maury gives you a free paternity test, but now all of America knows your business. Talk about whack! Then there is this other situation...the guy says he is 200% sure he ain't the father since he swears he never slept with the mother . Well...first of all, you can't have a whole lot of confidence in a guy who doesn't even understand basic math...there is NO 200%. Go back to high school dude. And then sure enough the test proved he was the father. Obviuously he also needs a lesson in the birds & the bees. And last but not least there is always the chic that is back for the 3rd time because the first 9 guys she tested are not the father, so she has rounded up a few more. Can you say "ewww!" I mean....have some freakin' self respect...pick a guy & stick with him for more than 15 minutes. And if you are so skanky that you can't make that type of commitment, atleast save yourself some humiliation and don't go to see Maury. Not only are these girls the town skanks, but their sexual history has now been broadcast all over the free world. Where in the world do they find these people???
Lesson here:
1. Do not fall for it when your spouse/lover says "I love you, but I have a secret. Let's go see Maury"
2. Do not say I never did the deed, when you know dang well there is a chance Maury can prove you did. Be the bigger person & get it over with.
3. Do not put yourself in a position to have half of your voting precint be tested for your child's paternity.
4. And finally...do not say "200%" if you want to appear seriously intelligent! if you are joking it's one thing, but when you are trying to be credible, 100% will suffice. Is that clear????
Whew...glad I got that oh-so-important info off my chest. If I help just one person...ah, who the hell am I kidding...it was just a mindless rant! What can I say, it was 3 o'clock in the morning! :)
On a happier note my sister K. delivered a healthy baby girl. D. is way excited cuz she finally has a girl cousin. Up until now she has been the only girl with a total of 5 boy cousins plus one little brother. Congrats K. & welcome Baby K.!