Wednesday, June 21

If emotions are rollercoasters....

then my life is an amusement park. You know for the most part it's pretty fun...some bits keep you on the edge of your seat, never knowing what thrill is just around the bend. And, of course, there are the areas that make you wonder "Who the hell thought this was a good idea??". All-in-all it's good though. We are happy, healthy, & well taken care of. Each & every day I count my blessings...... but you know there are the days when a girl looses her head....I was there this morning. Just a little cry-fest....totally self-imposed, worrying about things that are really minor in the big picture. Today I was freaking out about our upcoming trip....
~how will I fit "IT" all in?? Seeing all my family, making sure I spend enough time with everyone & don't end up with a lapful of regrets at the end of the month.
See, my parents divorced when I was like 2 or something...long before I could remember it. And growing up it seemed totally 'normal'. It's only been since I've been a mother myself that I've realized how abnormal it really was. Sure, loads of kids come from 'broken homes', but it wasn't until the last 7 or 8 years that I understood how much that can suck. Really suck. My parents are both great & I love them both to death. And no, I have never wished them 'back together'. Nope, I can't see it. But what I do remember is trying to share holidays & weekends and stuff. That stunk....not just for me, but for everybody. And now I am getting ready to go home for a visit. A friend called me last night & asked if I was getting excited......then it hit me. I had a massive knot in my stomach & my heart hurt...you know, the heavy feeling in your chest. At first I couldn't figure it out.....then it dawned on me. I was already trying to figure out in my mind how I was going to 'split' my time. Nobody has said anything, it's just what I associate with home. Damn. I am 32 years old & I really need to get over this. So I talked to my dad, & my mom, & my aunt & my sister & my hubby and I cried.....and I've cried some more. My 'face' from this morning has been transfered to a pile of tissues littering my van, my bedroom, my livingroom.....okay you get the point. They've all assured me it'll all be okay...and deep down I know it will. But I still worry. It's times likes this (and a whole lot more) that I think it would be easier to just move back east so everyone was closer and trying to see everybody in both mine in K.'s families wasn't so hard. I don't know...maybe someday...
And just when I didn't think I could cry any more...my little man came & wiped my tears. "I love you Momma. You wanna buy me some ice cream?" Yep, this is the part of my 'amusement park' I love.

5 comments:

Odette said...

Awesome honest journaling. Right from the heart. Family is a crazy thing, but without them we would be lost. I'm sure you will have a good trip and make great memories.

stacy a said...

I love you Tacy Rie!!!! I just can't wait for you to be here. I would hope that we can all play nice and share when you get here. Please don't stress. No matter what time we spend with you ....you know it will be fun. Everything always works out (Bud's favorite phrase) so get packing girl you got a plane to catch in 6 days!

Greta said...

thanks for stopping by and commenting..i've added you to my bloglines to check on you regularly.

Take a deep breath and just enjoy what you can and don't worry about everything else. It will all fall into place...i promise...that's the pisces in you. I knew you were a pisces before I read your bio....lol...my best friend is a pisces...

BTW...YOUR KIDS ARE GORGEOUS!!

SpAzzGiRL said...

I have to "split time" all the time too, it is exhausting! Too much family, so little time. But, to me it is just life and like you it is crazy and wild, never a dull moment, it just makes us stronger. (or so we can say, right??!) :)

and I agree with gret...the kids are beauties!

Jackie said...

Do what YOU want to do, go where YOU want to go, see who YOU want to see...please, please enjoy YOUrself this time. Those that don't or won't understand aren't worth stressing over. I'm sorry for the stress I might have caused...only wanted you to be happy. You are the love of my life (and the grandkids, of course) and I just want you to be happy and enjoy your vacation. Remember, YOU! Love, Mom