If emotions are rollercoasters....

then my life is an amusement park. You know for the most part it's pretty fun...some bits keep you on the edge of your seat, never knowing what thrill is just around the bend. And, of course, there are the areas that make you wonder "Who the hell thought this was a good idea??". All-in-all it's good though. We are happy, healthy, & well taken care of. Each & every day I count my blessings...... but you know there are the days when a girl looses her head....I was there this morning. Just a little cry-fest....totally self-imposed, worrying about things that are really minor in the big picture. Today I was freaking out about our upcoming trip....
~how will I fit "IT" all in?? Seeing all my family, making sure I spend enough time with everyone & don't end up with a lapful of regrets at the end of the month.
See, my parents divorced when I was like 2 or something...long before I could remember it. And growing up it seemed totally 'normal'. It's only been since I've been a mother myself that I've realized how abnormal it really was. Sure, loads of kids come from 'broken homes', but it wasn't until the last 7 or 8 years that I understood how much that can suck. Really suck. My parents are both great & I love them both to death. And no, I have never wished them 'back together'. Nope, I can't see it. But what I do remember is trying to share holidays & weekends and stuff. That stunk....not just for me, but for everybody. And now I am getting ready to go home for a visit. A friend called me last night & asked if I was getting excited......then it hit me. I had a massive knot in my stomach & my heart hurt...you know, the heavy feeling in your chest. At first I couldn't figure it out.....then it dawned on me. I was already trying to figure out in my mind how I was going to 'split' my time. Nobody has said anything, it's just what I associate with home. Damn. I am 32 years old & I really need to get over this. So I talked to my dad, & my mom, & my aunt & my sister & my hubby and I cried.....and I've cried some more. My 'face' from this morning has been transfered to a pile of tissues littering my van, my bedroom, my livingroom.....okay you get the point. They've all assured me it'll all be okay...and deep down I know it will. But I still worry. It's times likes this (and a whole lot more) that I think it would be easier to just move back east so everyone was closer and trying to see everybody in both mine in K.'s families wasn't so hard. I don't know...maybe someday...
And just when I didn't think I could cry any more...my little man came & wiped my tears. "I love you Momma. You wanna buy me some ice cream?" Yep, this is the part of my 'amusement park' I love.